I decided that I'm not going to relive the past few days in my running memory. I won't absorb it. I won't believe it. I won't think past this summer, and when this summer is over, I won't think past the fall semester, and so on. I have a plan, a large plan. It resides in my head. The only people who know of it are the people who approve of it, the ones who would encourage me. Anyone who has the ability to actually stop me cold in my tracks and shed light on all the obstacles before me has no idea of it. They don't know how ambitious I really am. They don't know how big I want to get. They don't know how far I'm willing to go. Expecting to go. If I let their poisonous words infect my brain, I'll just collapse.
The only thing I have is my mind. It's my only refuge and my only escape. When I'm longing for something I can't get instantaneously, I get it for myself in the recesses of my imagination. When I want to spend a day on the beach, a book in my hand, a cold drink on the table, his warmth, I'll close my eyes and make it happen. When I wake up and yearn to look into…his eyes, I simply close my own. If I want to step out into the frigid rain of the city streets, by God, I'll do it. I won't shut out my thoughts because my thoughts are the sole reason I keep going. The possibility of everything in my head becoming a reality is my only reason for pressing on.
So, yes, I will shut out my brain, but only that one tiny part, that dark infectious hole that seeks to poison everything around it. Green with envy and marred with disgust, it takes pleasure in watching hope collapse.
And I refuse to let it prevail.
I can't.
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