Sentimental Heart.

“O-o-old habits die hard
When you got, when you got a sentimental heart” –She & Him

So I’ve always been the self-proclaimed “girl who felt too much”. I let emotions rule me while logic sat by shaking it’s head in disapproval. I loved to wallow in them and feel the chemicals at work. This all began to change, however, after a major break-up. Slowly but surely, I learned to pick myself up. Stop whining. Fix the things I could. Take responsibility for the events in my life. I was reformed. Responsible. If I found that I was upset about something, I looked at myself to see if there was something that I may have contributed- something that I was doing that could have changed the situation and with that came the freedom to help control and affect my situation.

But with that realization came an unexpected irritability at the people around me who didn’t do the same- at those who still chose to wallow in those feelings without any action on their part to change them. I could no longer listen to people venting to me in frustration without offering advice on how they might reverse their situation. What I found was that most of those people did not really want to change the issue. And who was I to try and tell them to change it anyways? It’s their lives, afterall.

This change was reflected in every aspect of my life.

My belief that I should “give to those who ask of me” changed to “do not cast your pearls before swine” or “if anyone is not willing to work, let them not eat”.

In the last few months, this change has not sat well with me. I didn’t want to be so jaded- so uncompassionate. I resolved to exfoliate the soul every so often to keep from getting jaded by choosing to trust more. To be patient with people who don’t necessarily share the same world view as me (and why should they?) All this has been pretty well balanced I think until today.

It was a simple thing. I was at the gas station and an older man- in his mid to late thirties- asked if I had a couple bucks for him to get gas because he was running on fumes and had forgotten his wallet. Reformed Natalie was saying to let him fend for himself. After all, I had no cash on me anyways, just my card. But having felt so jaded lately, old Natalie was recalling the times that I’ve been in that situation, stressed, and having to call my Dad or AAA to bring me gas and I decided to try and help him out. After all, he was driving a nice car and didn’t seem like this was an everyday occurrence. He said he just needed a couple gallons and I said I’d help him out… you already see where this is going right? Well, I put my card in for him to put in a couple gallons and returned to my car to wait for Steve to come back. Next thing I know, the guy has filled his entire (empty) tank on my card when I really didn’t have the money to spare in the first place. I feel like an idiot. I let my emotions take over and predictably got taken advantage of. So my question is this: how do I balance my emotions with not being stupid? Steve later asked me why I couldn’t have prepaid? Why I didn’t say something when he was taking too long? Why I didn’t just say no?

I can’t seem to square my ideals with reality. I always expect people to do the right thing and it seems like I’m always surprised when they don’t.

I need to say the serenity prayer about a million times.