Sunday, October 31, 2010

Stop telephonin' me

When will it get through your thick head that I will not answer your phone calls. I don't know who you are. I don't know your name. I don't know what you look like. I don't even know how your voice sounds. You equally don't know any of these things about me. Stop professing your love for me. Stop sending me sweet nothings in the middle of the night. Stop calling me twentyfive times a day. Get it through that empty maze of a mind that I am not one of those girls. I wouldn't even call them easy or pathetic or bored. If anything, I'd call them mindless. The fact that you're willing to subject yourself to such horrid company disgusts me. The fact that you're trying to drag me down to your level makes me want to projectile vomit onto your face. I didn't answer the first eighthundredthirtyfour times you called, I won't answer now. Stop telling me that my voice sounds like velvet; I know it doesn't, not when I've only spoken to you in contempt or in a manner of interrogation. Stop sending me off into dreamland with little ~eloquently worded messages. They're cloying at best and harrowing at worst. Just stop. The fact that you're degrading yourself in such a manner makes it impossible for me to ever acquire a scintilla of respect for you.


The title: yeah, I went there.

No Happy Ending.

I read washington square by henry james, again. the first time i hated the book. it was dull and hard to get through even though it was short.

this time, i appreciated the ending a lot more. it's a sad, sad book only because it highlights how cruel people can be when they have power over someone. in this case, this woman loved once, and truly, despite her father's disapproval, and you feel pity.

love is just another form of power-struggle- subjection to pain and degradation that is somehow made right for a lucky few whose love is reciprocated wholly.

love is a biological weapon of destruction, equivalent to radiation, poison, and bombs. except it never kills, but maims, leaving you with an empty shell of who you used to be.

those are the morals of this story. either/or. i can't choose because they're both just such lovely prospects -_-
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

-ingrid michaelson, breakable

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Remember when it was only a kiss?


Vulgarity has taken over the innocent kiss in the cinematic world of oversized screens and popping corn. Love isn't a beautiful thing on the glass box set anymore, instead, it's an invasion of space, of privacy, of a once mysterious and sacred thing. You know, there is a reason physical love isn't up and all around your face in public and in social gatherings, it's because its ugly. Horrifying. In a dark room is where ugly and scary should live away from the children and the prude beings. I miss the days where Titanic was a bad movie. I miss the days where I don't know what I see now.


I feel violated. Stop it, Hollywood. It's your fault. Bring back the kiss, please.

I hate my life.

Truer words were never spoken.


I say this without a sarcastic or sappy undertone. I am being honest and open with you. I abhor everything and everyone who I don't genuinely like. I cannot stand it anymore. If you look closely you could see the hate etched on my face. I wish I was lying. For the love of anything good and true, I wish I was exaggerating. I cannot wait for the day where I am swept of my feet away from this wretched place. I just hope this day comes before my hate scars me for good. Having hope is too tiring, folks, and I'm tired of it. So, I've decided to throw mine in the trash, it hasn't done me any good lately or ever. I will live like a zombie out of a grave. I will cope till my heart stops.

This is not teenager depression ranting. I know where my life is headed, it's like everyone else around here. So don't you say, it'll get better, because it won't. I'll just hide it somewhere till it combusts one day and kills me.
Fml.
x

Bu'ness

My Father's presence in the house has become a foreign concept to me. Businees trips have bombarded his life like a down pour of canines and felines. It's sad really and kind of mean. I'm not saying it's his fault. I love him to death and when he is here he's awesome granted that sometimes he can give off drama queen vibes, but hey, aren't we all entitled a bit of time on the throne? Even when he's in town, he works crazy hours, bless him. It's a bit weird that he'll be here in a few minutes, like whoa. Also, just because I can, I would like to state that I hate the fact that I resent him for being able to travel the world while I have to sit and mope around like some crazed emo unicorn.


Peace will come, good day!

The streets are full of strangers

And now I'm all alone again, no where to go, no one to turn to
without a hope without a friend without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near,
And I can make believe
he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

- On My Own - Les Miserables

This song makes me want to cry.

Smithereens


I know it's gonna happen. It's inevitable as they say. I just didn't realize inevitable was so real, so close, so ugly. I wish life or the world would humor me and offer me a Neverland or a Narnia. This may seem childish and irrational but sometimes when I think the world is a bitch (excuse my french) and I find myself hating every breathing thing and coming to terms with my heartless reality and dull and soul wrenching destined future, I take comfort in the fact that I'll find my Narnia someday. I believe it. It's what gets me back up and functioning with the grace of a sarcastic and not to mention oh-so awesome person while kicking ass and taking names (granted I don't really kick people in general let alone their bum and why would I take names? Do I have a list of people's behinds that I kick? In this alternate reality, I guess I'm weird) It's what's behind that fake yet believable smile. It's what I cling to when I can't find an escape. It's what stops my head from exploding into smithereens when it's trying to look for a way out, but can't.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Worn Out.

I wish my life had been offered to me in a to-go box, instead of a cold hard steel plate that I can't keep because I have to return it tothem later on in the day. My morals bind me to the place. I was taught never to steal. I was raised to trust in my loyalty. I stay because of my obligation- my duty towards the thoughts drilled into my head. I don't agree but I obey. I can run away, but I don't. In reality, I'm not capable. I live in place that offers you a false sense of security that lulls you into feeling a non existent liberty. You would never understand because you are a to go box, you take what you want from the moment and move forward, looking for a new and more exciting box with an even more delicious and satisfying savory taste. I get the same plate everyday, washed by boundaries and social corruption and dried with a false sense of hope, a political lie and a hopeless youth. Served dull and grey, and the only splash of color is in a distance so far that you succumb to tears every night because never has a reality of impossibility been so painful, so pure and raw.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

How Could You Be So Heartless?


Hey beautiful people :)

MY INTERNET WENT M.I.A ON ME FOR ONE DAMN WEEK! CAN YOU IMAGINE?! I mean I was getting so heated up I actually asked a friend to log in my facebook and let me know what's going on. I swear imma need facebook rehab soon, its ridiculous.

Annnnnd shout-out to Joey! I'm sorry boo. Here's your long awaited post hehe. Oops :)

Anyhow, so Tia thinks I was slightly too harsh in my last post, and i'm turning into a feminist. Haha, puh-lease. Right!?

But allow it. That sinking in decided we be turning the tables over. Y'all know I gotta keep it neutral ;)

Tonight i'm giving you the priviledge of going inside the mind of a certain boy. Actually applies to most if not all boys, or men, shall we say? I think it's important them ladies understand what's going on, you know?

Instead of easily pointing out the stereotypical "player" label, I mean come on, there IS a reason for everything.

You probably wondering how I know, well we've spent alot of time together and although we lost most contact now (thank you distance, once again)

He was my ex, we had our differences, we're close friends now. In a way i'm glad, learnt so much from him.

He grew up sympathizing with Hip Hop ballads like LL Cool J’s I Need Love and harmonizing with RnB classics like Ralph Tresvant’s Girlfriend. He would relate to lines from artists like Diddy, who begged for “one bad chick so I could spoil her”.

No WAY would he ever be a player. He would wake up every day, look in the mirror, and tell himself that it’s too far-fetched for him to be that man who dogged out women. He's way too emotional. He cared about people’s feelings. Then he started noticing that not all players are cut throat. Not all willfully disrespect woman.

But most importantly, the biggest ones were the most affectionate and emotional. Generally, they were mama’s boys, like him, who desired nothing more than the attention of a woman in search of the affection and pampering they received growing up. And since no one can live up to mama, options expand, and the roster grows. Now he listens to tracks from R. Kelly, and he relates to every line from Playas Get Lonely as “I let my drinks decide who’s the next chick.”

By some twist of fate, he had become a...*drumroll*...

Yep! That's it. Right there.

A womanizer.

He remembers, when he was 10 his godbrother told him you need to have game to get a female. Godbrother had all the women, and (let's call him Kanye :D) Kanye, had none. So he went to his room, took out a composition book, wrote “Game” at the top. He remembers being laughed at for the clothes he wore. So he started watching music videos, and dressed just like them. He was teased because of his round lining on his hair, so he made sure that his lining never took away from his wavy hair.

He learned that laughter was the easiest way to stay on a girl’s mind and keep them thinking of you, so he perfected his silliness and went from annoying to comical. But most importantly, he learned the pattern to Pac Man. OH yeah. EVERYone knows every level on Pac Man has a pattern ;)

And as long as you follow it, you can’t lose. For women, it’s their ego. Take what they love the most about themselves, and pretend to not notice it. Take what they are the most subconscious about, and embrace them for it. Suddenly, they can’t get enough of you. By the time Kanye reached high school, he was a true student of “the game”, but his transformation was not complete.

He learned the 11th man theory, and never looked back. Take the most beautiful woman, and surround her with 10 men who constantly tell her how beautiful she is and worship her. She doesn’t want them. But the 11th man comes in, acknowledges her, and proceeds to ignore her. That’s the man she wants, the one who could care less.

So Kanye perfected acting as if he didn’t notice them, and as expected, he became highly sought after. And he'd intend to fall in love, but didn’t realize he was subconsciously manipulating multiple women.

He desired them all. No intentions to hurt them or lead them on, but enjoy their attention and to let them know he noticed them noticing him, and he thought of them.

He told himself it was harmless because he was single, and when he does make the commitment, it would all cease. He now laughs at that logic, the bachelor’s contradiction. Because somehow or another, the commitment never came.

He would ask himself every day, why don’t I have just one? Why is it no one will ever be my one and only? I have so much love to give, but no single person to share it with. But that’s because he was unknowingly sharing love with ALL of them. Now to be honest, he genuinely loved every woman he has ever been with, even if it was just for the moment. He never meant to deceive or lead anyone on. At times he even felt they were taking advantage of him.

How easy it is to blame everyone else than to acknowledge your own shortcomings.

His heart was telling him he wanted just one, but his ego had hold of his actions. He needed this girl for this, didn’t want to hurt this girl with that, and saw so much potential in them all. He was slowly gaining the love he wanted in pieces, instead of finding the whole.

What gets lost with both men and women is that some of the worst players, aren’t outright dogs. They were the ones who didn’t have what it took to originally get who they wanted, so they transformed to be more desirable. And somewhere in that transformation they lost sight of their original dream. They saw the potential of love, and as they grew, so did their grandiose.

They tried to stay neutral, but the affection was too addictive and they succumbed to temptation. In their hearts, they are being sincere; they just want a mother’s love, attention, and affection. And since no woman can equal up to that great woman, they accept the best qualities from all. They are still a work in progress, it just takes them time to realize that they have become the man they never wanted to be. But don’t pity them…oh believe me they are enjoying the ride the entire way, but they do intend to get back on track.

Take a minute, think about it
You're (boy) friend may not be just a heartless manwhore.
Dig deeper.

bed and sleep await my humble arrival,
*sighs in pleasure*
have a lovely night, lovely people :)
hugs & kisses.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Friends, Foes? Love, Lust?

So funny story.
I was told today that I don't practise what I preach.
True story, haha.
No but for real, about a 3 months ago tharindu and clementine asked me how I pro advise but my own "love life" as we like to call it, runs down the sewage.
At the time, I honestly didn't have an answer.
I knew its obviously cause I just didnt follow the shit I tell all you people, now I realize though its because in any relationship, power lies in the hand of the person who cares less (that's a quote I stole by the way).
I never had the upper hand. It was always me bending over for him. Me breaking my rules.
I guess love makes you stupid like that.
We all know what we SHOULD do, what is RIGHT, how we SHOULD BE TREATED, what we DESERVE, we just choose not to, in fear we might loose our "better half".
So we insist on being puppets.
That's just the way it is.
We can't help it.
Yes finally, revelation hits! Lol .Oh well.

I find it hard to swallow that strangers make me happier than friends
The minute you let someone into your life
Like a hurricane they destroy and conquer
Its not too much to ask for love unconditionally
But thats only for family not friends apparently
Now I know there are bigots thinking ''maybe you have the wrong friends''
Sadly friendship has got to a point where getting hurt is a norm
And if you dont feel that hurt then you have a stranger in your life
Which might not be so bad if you are also a stranger to them
Telling eachother nice words in passing

A friend as described by the english
is a person who you trust and care about
not someone you just say hi too or have drinks with
not your sex partner or your drug dealer
the paradigm of humanity is in its need to put on a facade

so much goes down the gutters in the souls of people
oh let me say what i want because its who i am, i am blunt
no you moron you are self centered and will never find real happiness
acting like a player, douche and slut is not the way to never get hurt
its the way to cause pain in the life of others
and when they express their dismay dont call them ''dramatic'' or ''emotional'
'because you flushed your emotions away in the dark abyss of your life
doesnt mean I want to be sucked in with you
do what I want because I dont owe you an explanation
its different if you tell me what I do wrong
but seating on a horse and expecting me to read minds
after you blatantly formulate a plan to rid me from your life
because I decided to ''care'' a little more than you

BURN in the HELL of your greed
Chained to the crutches of your insecurity
Remember. What goes around comes back around

loves,
x

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Craigslist.


"What Happened to All the Nice Girls?"

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the men out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice girls?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic gal pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. She'd tag along with you when you went shopping for the nights "smokin' date", stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and listen to you while you droned on about how horribly the (other) girl that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your guyfriends about how she was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to her. They probably teased you because they thought she had a crush on you. Given that her behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for her, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, she totally wasn't your type. I mean, she was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress herself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, sexy, rich, stylish girlfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the girlfriend got more serious and spending time with this other girl was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating her. More time passed, and the girlfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to her weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered whores blondes and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice girls?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice girl. You used her for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at her consideration and resented her devotion. You valued the aloof girlfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, she took the hint and moved on with her life. She probably came to realize, one day, that men aren't really attracted to girls who hold doors open; think you smell great when you wearing the same shirt for 4 days; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. She came to realize that, if she wanted a man like you, she'd have to act more like the girlfriend that you had. She probably cleaned up her look, started making some money, hid behind a mask of make up, and generally acted like more of an bitch than she ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, she's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of her is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice girls" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most men will only have a handful of faithful girls stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice girl, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice girl, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in women. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice girl you claim to want has, in reality, shed her nice girl mantle and is out there looking to unleash her cynicism and resentment onto someone JUST LIKE YOU.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice gril then, and she certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Girl.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Solo


So i just listening to kid cudi yesterday
and after recent events, its like i could hear just the words
rather than the beat, and this man was made to rap
his words lined my eardrums with honey
sounds kinda sticky and nasty
but still you get the point, sweet stuff :D

He got me thinking on two songs
''man on the moon '' and ''mr solo dolo''
what stuck out for me was loneliness
it is a state of being that many humans face
a fear that no one understands their real worth
it is not just enough to be friends these days
its almost like people want you to leech onto them
this is why pets are becoming increasingly popular
because they can take your abuse and still come cuddle
guess what mr. and mrs. lack of self confidence
being alone is essential to self growth
dont count on anyone if you dont have to
for every friend you make you make an enemy

Even your parents are not excluded from bringing you down
no matter how much being social is important
what really matter is you loving you before expecting anyone else to
because on those lonely nights you cry, it is only you that hurts
when you should be smiling and enjoying your own company
i mean think about it
ever fall down and hurt yourself
but look around and no one noticed
what do you, just pick yourself up
but the minute poeple notice, its almost like the pain is more
the human mind loves attention and it is quite disgusting to admit
there is no worse state of mind than always wanting to be noticed
it causes greed and jealousy, two terrible demons

For example, I threw up half my stomach contents last night
not sure why but no one was there to pat my back
when it was over, i did what i had to and went to bed
didnt even waste time calling and crying out to my parents
would have been great if they brought me ginger but i got it my self
it would have been great if they tucked me in but cmon i am 19 years old
grow out of your primordial need to be loved by others
and learn that you were most likely born alone and you will be buried alone

and the next time you feel betrayed
look at the situation and ask
who betrayed me? did i trust them for the wrong reasons
ignoring the people who actually care for you flaws and all

Sunday, October 10, 2010

On the Wire

Damn. 3 days, no i didnt forget!
so caught up with work by the time I get home its a bee-line to the sack. *yawn*
had a great couple of days though, met up with a bunch of long lost friends, good times in the making :)
anyhow, back to the point of this post,
so time to lay down some quick advice and relate some life lessons ;)

addressing how to handle a break up / fight properly
am not just referring to people, this also applies to friendship
who is to say my way is best
but it sure is better than some stupid things i see people do

first rule of break up is never ''announce'' the relationship to begin with
the world would honestly be so much better without facebook
i mean it is so personal these days
and we allow it by posting our fights, family drama and ''love''
i remember when people had problems you would know because they told you
not on a long status airing out your lack of intelligence
using curse words constantly shows a low IQ and lack of self esteem

second rule is a decent break up environment
DONT text, email or tweet(see what i mean) your decision
look for a nice open space and talk gently
stating out your reason with reason
now if it starts to get heated
remember to always keep a low tone for civility
and if you cant help up it, just up and walk away
give space to clear your thoughts but DONT run away
it will only agitate feelings of resentment from the other party

third rule, never forget what it was like
the good are great but we always remember the bad more
not sure why but its human folly to hold on to past crimes
we always want justice and penance
it was good at some point
you probably threw out some words like ''i love you''
or ''best i ever had'' you know the regular corny crap
use that hold the friendship side of things
romantic involvements are bad to begin with if you are doing it without reason
but what is done is done, so salvaging a bond helps
i hate more than anything people who throw away relationships
i mean come one, we are not children out growing dolls
treat people the way you want to be treated
and people wonder why they are called ''whores''

fourth rule, don't jump into a re bound
biggest mistake is thinking the next nice who comes your way is MR RIGHT
NO he is exploiting you on the 11th man rule
sure he is cute but is that a real reason of attraction
what about you ACTUALLY get to know a person
one month is not enough, even after years of marriage couples still dont know
coming in to act the exact opposite of what you think you have
he will seem great but it will end because you have started an idiotic pattern
a pattern of dating and dumping, then moving ''on to the next one''

don't let your insecurities
cage down you morality

so what if all your friends have a cuddle buddy
man's need for affection is over rated, it never ends well 90% of the time
look around you, how many did you know that were dating that are still together?
years of ''dating'' can end any day but it doesn't have to end
because a real relationship isn't based on fb status changes and kissing

look up the real definition of romance
remove from your head the warped ideology of modern lust

i'm out for the night
much love
xoxo

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Testing the Waters.

Blogsville! I'm back ;)

So yes, i've decided to give into this blogging fever too...yet again.
After having many failed attempts at blogging. All ending with either me giving up after the first post or just forgetting that I even have a blog site. This time it WILL be different. (or so she says)
haha. Oh well. Thought i'd might as well give it another shot you know. Alot on my mind and this just so happens to be the only safe way to vent. :)

Soo, unto more important things,
its hard to be in a good mood 24hrs
notice how you start off thinking TODAY will be great
you wake on time for class, your shower seems to make you sing
and the girl/guy you have a crush on comes up to hug you
SNAP OUT OF IT someone steps on your new shoes
the guy next to you in class smells like hot armpit
i mean what happened to the simple days
when your worries were the well being of your teddy bear and dolls
the world is so caught up in unnecessary activities
the more you do, the more you have to fix

notice how you get a new friend and somehow make a new enemy
it is the inevitable in today's society
you know what i say, break free
how many things and people do you need in your life
on face-book i have over 1000, what the duck-sauce!
that is obviously 99% fake ones and 1% real ones
i am serious here, i actually believe in a small percent of humanity

what is up with all this hoarding
accumulation of cars, women, wealth
i feel like no one really has purpose
sure you say you want success but there is more to life than that
why must you always want to make a point or be seen and heard
i am guilty of it and i know who to blame
i am just tired of being told about the afterlife
and also being pushed to pursue material possessions

let that marinate
are you doing too much
is your stress your fault
stop blaming humans, YOU ARE ONE TOO

i'll be back soon
kisses
xoxo